Understanding and Healing the “Traitor Within”: Breaking Free from Narcissistic Trauma

by Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW

What is the "Traitor Within"?

The "TRAITOR WITHIN" is the misguided part of yourself—often shaped by childhood trauma, toxic messaging, or dysfunctional role models—that repeatedly leads you down self-destructive paths. It manifests as an inner voice or mindset that promotes negative patterns. I came up with this concept to empower you to recognize and confront this force, starting the process of healing and self-empowerment. 

If you're reading this, chances are you've felt that familiar tug of an inner voice that doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. You're not alone, and what you're experiencing has a name—and more importantly, it has a solution.

How Narcissistic Relationships Impact the "TRAITOR WITHIN"

When we encounter narcissistic individuals—whether as romantic partners, friends, family members, or colleagues—something profound happens to our internal landscape. It's crucial to understand that even the healthiest, most confident person with strong self-esteem and solid boundaries can develop a "TRAITOR WITHIN" when exposed to narcissistic abuse. This toxic dynamic doesn't discriminate based on your emotional health before the relationship began. A person who enters any relationship completely whole and psychologically healthy can find themselves questioning their reality, worth, and judgment after sustained exposure to narcissistic manipulation. The experience can affect our "TRAITOR WITHIN" in three critical ways, regardless of when in life we encounter these toxic dynamics.

The first way narcissistic relationships impact us is by reinforcing an existing "TRAITOR WITHIN." If you already carry wounds from childhood or previous relationships, a narcissistic person can strengthen those negative inner voices. The constant criticism, manipulation, and emotional rollercoaster validate what the "TRAITOR WITHIN" has been whispering all along: "See? You really aren't worthy of love. You really are too much. You really should be grateful for any attention you get." The narcissist's treatment becomes "proof" that your worst fears about yourself are true, giving the "TRAITOR WITHIN" more ammunition to use against you.

However, the second and perhaps most insidious impact is how narcissistic relationships can create an entirely new "TRAITOR WITHIN," even in previously healthy individuals. Even if you entered the relationship with robust self-esteem and strong boundaries, prolonged exposure to narcissistic abuse can birth an entirely new internal critic. Through gaslighting, love-bombing followed by withdrawal, and constant criticism disguised as "help," you begin to internalize their voice as your own. What once was their criticism becomes your self-doubt. Their impossible standards become your inner perfectionist. Their conditional love becomes your belief that you must earn affection through performance. This process can happen to anyone at any stage of life—whether you're 25 or 65, whether this is your first toxic relationship or you've had healthy relationships for decades.

The third way the "TRAITOR WITHIN" operates is perhaps the most devastating: it keeps us trapped in these harmful dynamics. Once established or strengthened, the "TRAITOR WITHIN" becomes our captor. It tells us to stay because "this is what you deserve," convinces us that "no one else will love you," minimizes our experience by insisting "you're being too sensitive," or guilts us into staying because "they're having a hard time—you should be more understanding." The "TRAITOR WITHIN" makes us complicit in our own mistreatment, convincing us that leaving would be giving up, being weak, or proving we're unlovable.

The Path to Healing: Freeing Yourself from Both Relationships

Breaking free requires a two-pronged approach: addressing the external relationship and the internal traitor. The journey begins with acceptance and understanding. The first step isn't fighting the "TRAITOR WITHIN"—it's acknowledging its presence with compassion. This voice developed as a protection mechanism, even if it's now causing harm. Understanding that the "TRAITOR WITHIN" was once trying to help you survive can reduce the shame around having these thoughts. Ask yourself when this voice first appeared, what situations trigger it most strongly, how it sounds and whose voice it resembles, and what it's trying to protect you from.

Healing requires learning to recognize and manage what activates your "TRAITOR WITHIN." Common triggers include criticism or perceived rejection, conflict or tension, feeling misunderstood, making mistakes, setting boundaries, or even receiving compliments. When triggered, breathing exercises can help ground you in the present moment. Try 4-7-8 breathing where you inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, and exhale for 8, or box breathing where you inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4. Grounding exercises are equally powerful—name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste, or simply feel your feet on the ground and take three deep breaths while holding a cool object and focusing on its texture and temperature.

Journaling can be transformative in this process. When triggered, write about what the "TRAITOR WITHIN" is telling you right now, consider what you would tell a dear friend in this situation, examine what evidence contradicts what you're telling yourself, and identify what you need right now to feel safe and supported. These prompts help you distinguish between the traitor's voice and your authentic wisdom. 

Establishing boundaries with the narcissistic person is essential for healing, as full recovery cannot occur while actively being harmed. You have the right to protect yourself through physical boundaries like limiting or ending contact, not being alone with them, and having an exit strategy for interactions. Emotional boundaries include not defending yourself against false accusations, refusing to engage in circular arguments, and not sharing personal information they can use against you. Communication boundaries might involve using the "gray rock" technique of being boring and unresponsive, setting specific times and methods for necessary communication, and having a support person present during interactions when possible. Remember that you don't need their permission to set boundaries, and you don't need to explain or justify your need for safety and peace.

As you create space between yourself and both the narcissistic person and your "TRAITOR WITHIN," your authentic voice can begin to emerge. This voice is compassionate but honest, supportive but realistic, encouraging without minimizing real challenges, and protective without being paranoid. Nurture this voice through positive self-talk, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and remind you of your worth.

A Message of Hope

Healing from narcissistic trauma and silencing the "TRAITOR WITHIN" is not a linear process. There will be days when old patterns feel overwhelming, when boundaries feel impossible to maintain, and when the authentic you feels like a stranger. This is normal and part of healing. You are not broken, you are not "too damaged" to heal, and you are not responsible for the abuse you endured, but you are capable of reclaiming your life, your voice, and your peace.

Every small step toward recognizing the "TRAITOR WITHIN," every moment you pause before reacting to a trigger, and every boundary you set—no matter how small—is an act of courage and self-love. You deserve relationships that celebrate who you are, not relationships that make you question your worth. You deserve inner peace, not constant self-criticism. You deserve healing, and with patience and support, healing is absolutely possible. The "TRAITOR WITHIN" whispers that you're stuck, but your authentic voice knows the truth: you are already on your way to freedom.

If you're currently in an abusive relationship, please reach out to local domestic violence resources or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You deserve support, and help is available.

Resource: “Your Traitor Within Journal” by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW (2025)

DISCLAIMER:

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider. 

Call 911 if there is an emergency. 

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. 

Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.