When Someone You Know Doesn't Make Sense: Understanding Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships

  By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Have you ever known someone—whether in a romantic relationship, family dynamic, workplace, or friendship—whose behavior left you utterly confused? One moment they're kind and supportive, the next they're dismissive or even cruel. You find yourself wondering how the same person can act so differently, leaving you with an uncomfortable knot in your stomach as you try to reconcile these conflicting experiences. This discomfort you're feeling has a name: cognitive dissonance. 

What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort that arises when we hold conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes simultaneously, or when our actions contradict our stated beliefs. Think of it as your mind's alarm system—it sounds off when something doesn't add up in your mental framework, creating an uncomfortable tension that demands resolution.

Leon Festinger, who first introduced this concept in 1957, described it as the distressing mental state that occurs when we're confronted with information that conflicts with our existing beliefs or when we behave in ways that contradict our values. Our brains are wired to seek consistency, so when we encounter these contradictions, we experience genuine psychological discomfort.

How Cognitive Dissonance Shows Up in Our Lives

When someone experiences cognitive dissonance, you might notice several telltale signs:

Rationalization and Justification: They create elaborate explanations to justify conflicting thoughts or behaviors. For instance, someone who values honesty but lies to their partner might convince themselves that "small lies protect people's feelings."

Information Avoidance: They actively avoid or dismiss information that challenges their existing beliefs. A person who's in a toxic relationship but believes their partner truly loves them might refuse to acknowledge red flags or dismiss friends' concerns.

Defensive Behavior: They become resistant to evidence that contradicts their belief system. When presented with facts that challenge their worldview, they might become argumentative, change the subject, or attack the messenger rather than addressing the message.

Stress and Anxiety: The internal conflict creates genuine psychological distress, often manifesting as anxiety, irritability, or mood swings.

Behavioral Inconsistencies: Their actions seem to contradict their stated values or previous behaviors, creating confusion for those around them.

Decision-Making Difficulties: When faced with choices that might force them to confront their contradictions, they may become paralyzed or make seemingly irrational decisions.

Cognitive Dissonance in Different Types of Relationships

Romantic Relationships

Perhaps nowhere is cognitive dissonance more evident than in romantic relationships. Consider Sarah, who deeply values independence and has always prided herself on being self-sufficient. When she falls in love with someone who's quite controlling, she experiences intense dissonance. Instead of acknowledging the incompatibility, she might rationalize his behavior as "caring" or "protective," or she might downplay her own need for independence as "selfish."

Another common example occurs when someone stays in a relationship despite repeated betrayals. They might hold two conflicting beliefs: "My partner loves me and would never intentionally hurt me" and the evidence that their partner has been unfaithful. To resolve this dissonance, they might convince themselves that the infidelity "didn't mean anything" or that they somehow "deserved it."

Family Dynamics

Family relationships often provide fertile ground for cognitive dissonance because we have deep emotional investments in maintaining positive views of our family members. A child might desperately want to believe their parent is loving and protective while simultaneously experiencing abuse or neglect. To cope with this unbearable contradiction, they might blame themselves ("I must have been bad") or minimize the harmful behavior ("It wasn't that bad").

Adult children may struggle with similar dissonance when aging parents display troubling behaviors. They might want to maintain their image of their parent as wise and capable while witnessing concerning decision-making or even abusive behavior toward others.

Workplace Relationships

Professional environments frequently generate cognitive dissonance, particularly around ethical issues. An employee might value integrity but work for a company that engages in questionable practices. To reduce dissonance, they might convince themselves that "everyone does it" or that they're powerless to change anything.

Consider a manager who believes in treating employees fairly but is pressured by upper management to implement policies that harm workers. They might resolve this dissonance by convincing themselves that "tough decisions are necessary for the company's survival" or by psychologically distancing themselves from the consequences of their actions.

Friendships

Friendships can also be breeding grounds for cognitive dissonance. You might have a friend who claims to support your goals but consistently undermines your efforts. The dissonance between "my friend cares about my success" and their sabotaging behavior might lead you to make excuses for them or doubt your own perceptions.

Similarly, someone might maintain friendships with people whose values starkly contradict their own. Rather than acknowledging this incompatibility, they might compartmentalize their relationships or convince themselves that their friend's problematic views are somehow acceptable in this specific context.

The Traitor Within: When Your Mind Works Against You

There's a particularly insidious example of cognitive dissonance that I call the "traitor within"—that voice in your head that convinces you to stay in harmful situations, to make excuses for inexcusable behavior, and to doubt your own perceptions when they conflict with what you desperately want to believe.

My traitor within showed up most powerfully in romantic relationships. When partners would cheat, lie, or be emotionally abusive, I found myself caught in a psychological trap. I would make elaborate excuses for their behavior: "He's just going through a difficult time," "He didn't mean it that way," "I must have misunderstood." I would deny clear evidence of their harmful actions, sometimes even when confronted with undeniable proof. Most damaging of all, I would blame myself: "If I were a better partner, this wouldn't happen," "I'm too sensitive," "I'm overreacting."

This internal betrayal kept me locked in cycles of abuse far longer than my rational mind knew was healthy. Research shows that abused women have higher levels of cognitive dissonance than other traumatized populations, and for good reason. When someone you love hurts you, your mind faces an impossible contradiction: "This person loves me" versus "This person is harming me." To resolve this unbearable tension, the mind often chooses self-deception over self-protection.

The Neuroscience of Self-Betrayal

What happens in our brains during these moments isn't a character flaw—it's a neurological response to an impossible situation. The neurochemistry of love and attachment, particularly in the presence of abuse, can seal a victim to a grim future with a malignant partner. Our brains release oxytocin and dopamine in response to even small kindnesses from someone who has hurt us, creating what researchers call "trauma bonds."

Sandra L. Brown, M.A, found in her study of approximately 600 survivors of pathological love relationships that cognitive dissonance was the symptom that they reported as the most traumatic, disruptive, and intrusive. It wasn't just the abuse itself—it was the way their own minds seemed to work against them, convincing them to stay, to hope, to believe that things would get better.

The traitor within manifests differently for different people. Some common patterns include:

Reality Switching: Cognitive dissonance feels like living with two conflicting realities that switch back and forth. "He's an abuser, no he's not, he's just hurt and means well," "I'm right about this being abuse, no I'm not," "Is it me or is it him?"

Intrusive Thoughts: Even when you logically know a relationship is harmful, your brain may flood you with memories of good times, creating intense cravings to return to the source of your pain.

Identity Confusion: The constant internal conflict can lead to what researchers call "atypical trauma," where you begin to lose touch with your own values, preferences, and sense of self.

How the Traitor Within Spreads

Your cognitive dissonance doesn't just affect you—it creates ripples that can trigger similar responses in others. When you're consistently making excuses for someone's harmful behavior, you're essentially asking your friends and family to participate in the same self-deception. They may begin to doubt their own perceptions: "Maybe I'm being too harsh," "Perhaps I don't understand the situation," "If they can forgive this, maybe it's not as bad as it seems."

This is how cognitive dissonance can become contagious. Family members might start making their own excuses for the abuser to maintain harmony. Friends might begin to question their own judgment rather than challenge yours. Children in these environments often develop their own traitor within, learning early that reality is negotiable and that love comes with the requirement to ignore harm.

The Hidden Cost of Internal Betrayal

While cognitive dissonance might seem like a purely individual experience, it ripples out to affect everyone in the person's orbit. When someone is constantly working to maintain contradictory beliefs, their behavior becomes unpredictable and confusing. They might seem like two different people depending on which aspect of their conflicted psyche is driving their actions at any given moment.

This inconsistency can be particularly damaging in close relationships, where trust and predictability form the foundation of connection. Partners, family members, and friends may find themselves walking on eggshells, never sure which version of the person they'll encounter.

Moving Toward Resolution: Healing the Traitor Within

Understanding cognitive dissonance doesn't mean we should excuse harmful behavior, but it can help us approach these situations with greater compassion and clarity—both for ourselves and others. Recognition is the first step toward resolution. When we can identify cognitive dissonance in ourselves or others, we can begin to address the underlying conflicts rather than just the symptoms.

For those experiencing cognitive dissonance, the path forward often involves honest self-reflection, sometimes with the help of a therapist or trusted friend who can provide perspective. It means being willing to examine contradictions rather than explaining them away and sometimes making difficult changes to align actions with values. Research shows that cognitive dissonance is diffused and reduced when survivors are able to receive validation and confirmation of the reality of their circumstances.

Healing involves recognizing that the traitor within isn't actually a betrayal—it's your mind's attempt to protect you from an unbearable truth. With compassion for this protective mechanism, you can begin to gently challenge those internal narratives that keep you stuck.

For those dealing with someone else's cognitive dissonance, setting clear boundaries becomes crucial. You can't resolve someone else's internal conflicts, but you can protect yourself from the fallout while still maintaining compassion for their struggle. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in someone else's self-deception.

The Path Forward

Cognitive dissonance is a universal human experience—we all hold contradictory beliefs and sometimes act in ways that conflict with our stated values. The difference lies not in whether we experience dissonance, but in how we respond to it. Do we use it as a signal to examine our beliefs and behaviors more deeply, or do we expend energy maintaining comfortable illusions?

The next time you encounter someone whose behavior seems confusing or contradictory, consider that they might be struggling with their own internal conflicts. This understanding won't solve the problem, but it might help you respond with both clearer boundaries and greater compassion. After all, we're all trying to make sense of a complex world while managing the sometimes overwhelming task of being human.

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 References

*What is the "Traitor Within"? The "Traitor Within" is the misguided part of yourself—often shaped by childhood trauma, toxic messaging, or dysfunctional role models—that repeatedly leads you down self-destructive paths. It manifests as an inner voice or mindset that promotes negative patterns. Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW’s concept empowers you to recognize and confront this force, starting the process of healing and self-empowerment.

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