The Dark Art of Narcissistic Manipulation: Understanding How Narcissists Control Their Victims
by Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
If you've ever felt like you're losing your mind in a relationship—questioning your own memory, wondering if you're "too sensitive," or feeling like nothing you do is ever quite enough—you're not alone, and you're not imagining it. Perhaps you grew up walking on eggshells around a parent who could shift from loving to cold without warning. Maybe you're in a romantic relationship where you feel simultaneously cherished and dismissed, where yesterday's promises dissolve into today's denials. Or you might be watching an aging parent sacrifice everything for an adult child who offers little in return. These experiences share a common thread: narcissistic manipulation. And if you're reading this because something resonates, I want you to know from the start—it's not your fault. What you're experiencing is real, it has a name, and most importantly, there is a path forward.
Narcissistic manipulation is one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse. It operates in the shadows, distorting reality and eroding the victim's sense of self so gradually that many don't recognize what's happening until they're deeply entangled. Whether it occurs between parent and child, in romantic partnerships, or within families, narcissistic manipulation leaves lasting scars that can take years to heal.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, narcissistic manipulation is fundamentally about control: "What does the narcissistic person need? The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation." Understanding these tactics is the first step toward breaking free.
Understanding Trauma: The Foundation of Impact
Before we explore the manipulation tactics themselves, it's essential to understand what trauma is and how narcissistic abuse creates it.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines trauma as "an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual's functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being."
Trauma isn't always a single catastrophic event. In narcissistic relationships, trauma accumulates through repeated patterns of manipulation, invalidation, and psychological harm. The experience of being systematically controlled, gaslighted, and emotionally abandoned creates what mental health professionals call complex trauma—ongoing traumatic experiences that fundamentally alter how victims see themselves and the world around them.
What makes narcissistic abuse particularly traumatic is the power differential it creates. Victims often feel powerless to change their circumstances, trapped by emotional bonds, fear, shame, or practical constraints. This sense of helplessness becomes a core component of the traumatic experience.
What Is Gaslighting?
One of the most devastating manipulation tactics used by narcissists is gaslighting. Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."
The term comes from the 1938 play and 1944 film "Gaslight," in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind so he can steal from her. When she notices the gas lights in the house dimming (because he's upstairs searching for jewels), he convinces her it's all in her imagination.
Today, gaslighting encompasses a range of tactics designed to make victims doubt their own reality. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, gaslighting is often used in an accusatory way when victims try to confront the narcissist's behavior, making them question whether they're being "too sensitive" or "overreacting."
Common gaslighting tactics include:
Denying events that clearly happened
Trivializing the victim's feelings or experiences
Countering memories with false narratives
Using confusion as a weapon
Projecting their own behaviors onto the victim
Shifting blame to avoid accountability
Dr. Nadine Macaluso emphasizes the devastating nature of this manipulation: "In abusive relationships, we often forfeit the self for the sake of the relationship identity." Gaslighting is the primary tool narcissists use to accomplish this erasure of self.
The Narcissist's Playbook: Common Manipulation Tactics
Narcissists employ a consistent set of manipulation strategies across all relationships. Understanding these tactics helps victims recognize what's happening to them.
Love Bombing and Devaluation
Narcissistic relationships often begin with intense affection and attention known as "love bombing." The narcissist showers their target with praise, gifts, time, and declarations of love. This creates a powerful emotional bond and establishes a baseline of how good the relationship can be—a baseline the narcissist will use later to manipulate the victim into staying.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, "Relationships with narcissists are held in place by hope of a 'someday better,' with little evidence to support it will ever arrive." Once the victim is emotionally invested, the devaluation begins—criticism, withdrawal of affection, and unpredictable mood swings that leave the victim constantly trying to recapture those early "good days."
Intermittent Reinforcement
Perhaps the most psychologically damaging tactic is intermittent reinforcement—the unpredictable pattern of reward and punishment that keeps victims trapped. Sometimes the narcissist is warm and loving; other times, cold and cruel. This inconsistency creates what Dr. Nadine Macaluso calls a "trauma bond"—an intense emotional attachment that develops through cycles of abuse followed by affection.
Dr. Macaluso, who was married to Jordan Belfort (the "Wolf of Wall Street"), speaks from both personal and professional experience: "Trauma bonds are real, they're not your fault, and recovery is possible. I want women to know they can become surthrivers—not just survivors, but people who thrive after trauma."
Projection and Blame-Shifting
Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they project their own negative behaviors and feelings onto their victims. Dr. Ramani Durvasula offers this insight: "When an accusation is thrown at you that does not fit you, when it doesn't capture what you know to be true about yourself or your behavior, mentally flip it back on your partner. He is likely accusing you of what he is doing or feeling."
If a narcissist is being unfaithful, they may accuse their partner of cheating. If they're lying, they'll call their victim a liar. This projection serves multiple purposes: it deflects responsibility, keeps the victim defensive, and prevents them from addressing the narcissist's actual behavior.
Emotional Manipulation and Exploitation
Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes narcissists as "interpersonally exploitative": "Because of the singular focus on fulfilling their needs, especially external needs, narcissists will use other people as objects to get those needs met. Other people often do serve literally as objects—a tool to get a job done."
Early in relationships, this manipulation is often emotional and financial. The narcissist might use their "difficult childhood" or stress to excuse cruel behavior, or they might manipulate their partner into taking on disproportionate financial responsibility.
The Cycle of Invalidation
Central to all narcissistic manipulation is invalidation—the systematic dismissal of the victim's feelings, perceptions, and needs. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula powerfully states, "A narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you—no matter how much you try to appease them."
This constant invalidation leads to what Dr. Ramani calls the mantra of narcissistic relationships: "I never feel like I am enough." She explains: "The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase 'I never feel like I am enough' is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That's because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is."
Narcissistic Manipulation from Parent to Child
When narcissistic manipulation occurs in parent-child relationships, it fundamentally shapes a child's developing sense of self and reality. Children depend on their parents for survival, making them especially vulnerable to manipulation.
Conditional Love and Approval
Narcissistic parents offer love conditionally—based on the child's ability to meet the parent's needs for admiration, service, or ego gratification. The child learns early that they are valued not for who they are, but for what they provide to the parent. This creates a deep wound that can persist into adulthood.
Role Reversal and Parentification
Narcissistic parents often reverse the parent-child dynamic, expecting the child to meet their emotional needs. The child becomes the caretaker, learning to suppress their own needs and feelings to maintain the parent's emotional equilibrium. This parentification robs children of their childhood and establishes dysfunctional relationship patterns they may carry into adulthood.
Scapegoating and Golden Child Dynamics
Many narcissistic parents create a hierarchy among their children, designating one child as the "golden child" who can do no wrong and another as the "scapegoat" who is blamed for family problems. These roles are often arbitrary and can shift, keeping all children in a state of anxiety about maintaining parental approval.
Gaslighting Children's Reality
Narcissistic parents gaslight their children by denying the child's experiences and feelings. A child who expresses hurt or anger might be told they're "too sensitive," "making things up," or "remembering wrong." This teaches children to distrust their own perceptions and emotions—a lesson that can take decades to unlearn.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes that narcissistic parents often blame children for the parent's own emotional dysregulation: "Many people in narcissistic relationships find that they start becoming more anxious and even less able to regulate their own moods, because they feel as though they are living in chaos—and there was nothing they could do about it."
Narcissistic Manipulation from Child to Parent
While less commonly discussed, narcissistic manipulation can also flow from adult children to their aging or vulnerable parents. This dynamic often emerges when an adult child with narcissistic traits views their parent as a resource to exploit.
Financial Exploitation
Adult children with narcissistic patterns may manipulate parents into providing ongoing financial support, housing, or resources while showing little genuine care for the parent's wellbeing. They may use guilt, threats of withdrawal, or false promises to extract money or property.
Emotional Blackmail
These adult children might threaten to cut off contact with grandchildren, spread lies to other family members, or withhold care and support unless the parent complies with their demands. The parent, desperate to maintain the relationship, often sacrifices their own boundaries and resources.
Undermining the Parent's Autonomy
As parents age, narcissistic adult children may prematurely or unnecessarily take control of the parent's finances, healthcare decisions, or living situation—not out of genuine concern, but to gain power and access to resources. They may gaslight the parent about their capabilities, convincing them they can't manage on their own.
The Double Burden for Aging Parents
For parents who were victims of narcissistic abuse earlier in life—perhaps from a spouse—having an adult child with narcissistic traits represents a second generation of trauma. These parents may find themselves once again walking on eggshells, people-pleasing, and sacrificing their needs to maintain peace.
Narcissistic Manipulation in Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships provide narcissists with an ideal arena for manipulation because they involve deep emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and often practical entanglements like shared finances or children.
The Idealize-Devalue-Discard Cycle
Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes the pattern that characterizes narcissistic romantic relationships: "The moderate narcissist offers enough good days to keep you invested and enough bad days that hurt you and leave you utterly confused."
The relationship typically follows a predictable cycle:
Idealization: The love bombing phase where the narcissist seems perfect and the relationship feels intensely romantic. The victim feels they've finally found their soulmate.
Devaluation: Gradually or suddenly, the narcissist becomes critical, distant, or cruel. The victim scrambles to understand what they did wrong and tries desperately to return to the idealization phase.
Discard: When the narcissist finds a new source of narcissistic supply or simply tires of the current relationship, they may abruptly end it with shocking coldness—or they may keep the victim "on hold" while pursuing others.
Isolation as Control
Dr. Nadine Macaluso identifies isolation as a key tactic: "Wall Street celebrates men who take what they want without considering the human cost. It's a breeding ground for pathological lovers. And social media is a dream come true for narcissists—endless supply for admiration, tools for surveillance, and the ability to curate a perfect image while being cruel behind closed doors."
Narcissists systematically isolate their partners from friends, family, and support systems. They might criticize the partner's loved ones, create drama that makes the partner choose between them and others, or simply monopolize all the partner's time and energy. Isolation increases dependence and makes it harder for victims to see their situation clearly or find help.
Triangulation
Narcissists often bring third parties into the relationship dynamic to maintain control. This might involve:
Comparing the partner unfavorably to ex-partners, colleagues, or potential romantic interests
Flirting with others in front of the partner
Creating jealousy to keep the partner competing for attention
Using family members or mutual friends to take their side in conflicts
The Mask of Public Perfection
One of the most confusing aspects of narcissistic relationships is the disconnect between the private abuse and the public persona. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, "Narcissists manipulate and deceive, leaving their victims feeling isolated and questioning their reality."
The narcissist may be charming, generous, and beloved by friends, family, and colleagues while being emotionally cruel or even abusive behind closed doors. This creates a profound sense of isolation—victims feel no one will believe them because everyone else sees the narcissist as wonderful.
Hoovering and the Difficulty of Leaving
When victims try to leave, narcissists often deploy "hoovering"—attempting to suck the victim back in like a vacuum cleaner. They may suddenly become the person they were during the idealization phase, making promises to change, professing their love, or even seeking therapy. Once the victim returns, the cycle typically resumes.
Dr. Nadine Macaluso emphasizes the difficulty of leaving: "We need to stop asking, 'Why didn't she leave?' and start asking, 'Why does he abuse?' The problem lies entirely within the abuser, not the victim."
The Lasting Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
The effects of narcissistic manipulation extend far beyond the relationship itself. Victims often struggle with:
Complex PTSD
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse develop symptoms consistent with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), including:
Hypervigilance and anxiety
Difficulty trusting others or themselves
Emotional dysregulation
Negative self-perception
Relationship difficulties
Feeling fundamentally damaged or different from others
Erosion of Identity
Dr. Ramani Durvasula captures the devastating impact on the self: "Narcissistic abuse has changed the course of my career and my life. I was so gaslighted, I thought up was down, that I was to blame, that my expectations for people were not realistic, and that I was not worthy of being seen, heard, or noticed."
Victims often lose touch with who they were before the relationship. They may struggle to identify their own preferences, feelings, or goals separate from what the narcissist wanted from them.
Shame and Self-Blame
Narcissists excel at making victims believe the abuse is their fault. Victims may feel ashamed that they "allowed" the abuse to happen, that they didn't see it sooner, or that they stayed. Dr. Nadine Macaluso offers this crucial reminder: "The shame you feel belongs to your abuser, not you. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
The Path Forward: Healing and Recovery
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is possible, though it requires time, support, and often professional help. When picking professional help, please find someone who is trained in narcissistic abuse, CPTSD, is trauma informed and understands the connection between one’s body and trauma. It is okay to change your therapist if you’re not comfortable. You are never stuck.
Recognizing the Pattern
The first step is recognizing the manipulation for what it is. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula emphasizes, understanding narcissism helps victims realize: "It's not you."
Breaking the Trauma Bond
Dr. Nadine Macaluso's work focuses on helping survivors understand and break trauma bonds. She encourages survivors to recognize that being "trauma-bonded" doesn't reflect character flaws but rather the psychological impact of intermittent reinforcement and manipulation.
Establishing Boundaries
Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, "While narcissistic people will expect you to honor their boundaries, they will not respect yours." Learning to set and maintain boundaries—even when the narcissist pushes back—is essential for recovery.
Seeking Support
Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family, connecting with others who understand narcissistic abuse is crucial. Dr. Nadine Macaluso founded the "SurThriver Community" specifically to provide education and support for survivors.
Reclaiming Your Reality
After prolonged gaslighting, victims must relearn to trust their own perceptions and feelings. Dr. Ramani Durvasula reminds survivors that they are worthy of being seen, heard, and believed—and that their reality is valid.
A Final Word of Hope
Narcissistic manipulation is devastating, but it is not permanent. As Dr. Nadine Macaluso powerfully states, "I want women to know they can become surthrivers—not just survivors, but people who thrive after trauma."
Understanding the tactics narcissists use—from gaslighting to love bombing, from parentification to isolation—empowers victims to name what's happening to them. Recognition is the first step toward freedom.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, please know: The manipulation is not your fault. The abuse says everything about the abuser and nothing about your worth. With support, time, and self-compassion, healing is possible. You deserve relationships built on respect, honesty, and genuine care—not manipulation and control.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reminds us, "Narcissists are precisely that: careless. They barrel through life, using relationships and people as objects, tools, and folly. While they often seem as if they are cruel or harsh, that is in fact giving them too much credit. They are simply careless. And they do expect other people to clean up their messes. But carelessness is cruel."
You are not required to clean up their messes. You are allowed to walk away. You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to thrive.
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References
American Psychological Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association.
Durvasula, R. (2015). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. Post Hill Press.
Durvasula, R. (2019). Don't You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Hanover Square Press.
Durvasula, R. (2024). It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Harmony.
Macaluso, N. (2024). Run Like Hell: A Therapist's Guide to Recognizing, Escaping, and Healing from Trauma Bonds. Forefront Books.
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Gaslighting. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December 14, 2024, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). SAMHSA's Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 14-4884. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series 57. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4801. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (n.d.). Trauma and Violence. Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/trauma-violence
Additional Resources:
National Center for PTSD. (2024). Understanding the Impact of Trauma. In Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/
Psychology Today. (2017). Gaslighting. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
StatPearls. (2024). Trauma-Informed Therapy. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK604200/
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.
