Understanding Adoption: Truth, Timing, and the Journey Toward Wholeness
by Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
"I was told when I was nine years old that I was adopted. They said my birth parents had died. Years later, I learned they were most likely alive. I was also told that my adoptive parents could have 'sent me back,' which made me believe I could be abandoned at any moment. I spent my childhood trying to be the perfect little girl—invisible enough not to be a burden, perfect enough not to be sent away." (me)
This is my story, and while every adoptee's experience is unique, research shows that how and when we're told about our adoption—and the messages we receive about it—profoundly shapes how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, and how we navigate the world.
This blog is about hope, healing, and wholeness. Yes, adoption involves loss and complexity, but it also creates families, builds resilience, and can lead to deeply meaningful lives. The key is understanding that the way we talk about adoption matters as much as adoption itself. When children are told the truth from the beginning, when they're never made to feel they could be "sent back," when their story is honored rather than hidden—everything changes.
Let's explore the research, the theories, and most importantly, the pathways to thriving that exist for everyone touched by adoption.
How We're Told Shapes Who We Become: The Critical Impact of Disclosure
Before we discuss theories about adoption, let's address what research shows us very clearly: when children learn about their adoption and the messages they receive matter enormously—sometimes even more than the adoption itself.
The Devastating Impact of Late Disclosure
A comprehensive 2019 study of 254 adult adoptees found that those who learned of their adoption at age 3 or older reported significantly more psychological distress, including feelings of anger, betrayal, depression, and anxiety, compared to those told from birth (Baden et al., 2019). Perhaps most striking: these negative effects persisted even when researchers controlled for how long adoptees had known about their adoption and what coping strategies they used.
Why does late disclosure cause such harm?
When children discover they're adopted later in life, especially beyond early childhood, several damaging dynamics occur:
Shattered Trust: Learning you're adopted at age 9, 12, or even as an adult means discovering your parents kept a fundamental truth about your identity hidden. This creates a crisis of trust that can affect all future relationships. As one late-discovery adoptee shared: "Many adoptees I have spoken with felt lied to, and to this day have trouble trusting people" (Adoption.com, 2024).
Identity Crisis: Your entire understanding of who you are suddenly shifts. Everything you believed about your origins, your family, your story—all of it requires painful re-evaluation.
Shame Internalization: When adoption is kept secret, the implicit message is that it's something shameful or wrong. Children internalize this: "If adoption is so bad it had to be hidden, what does that say about me?"
Lost Processing Time: Children told from birth have their entire childhood to slowly process and integrate their adoption story. Late-discovery adoptees must suddenly make sense of years of their life through an entirely new lens.
The Additional Harm of Threatening Messages
Beyond timing, the content of disclosure conversations profoundly impacts adoptees. Research and clinical experience show that certain messages create lasting psychological damage:
"We could have sent you back" / "You're lucky we kept you"
These statements are devastating. They create:
Pervasive fear of abandonment
Perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors
Chronic anxiety and hypervigilance
Difficulty expressing needs or setting boundaries
A conditional sense of love: "I'm only lovable if I'm perfect"
Children who hear these messages often spend their entire childhoods trying to be invisible, compliant, and perfect—terrified that one mistake will result in rejection.
Lies About Birth Parents
Being told birth parents are dead when they're alive, or receiving other false information, compounds the trauma of late disclosure. It creates:
Double betrayal (the adoption secret + the lies about birth family)
Difficulty knowing what's real or whom to believe
Obstacles to identity formation
Complicated grief (mourning people who aren't actually dead)
The Healing Power of Early, Honest Disclosure
The research is unequivocal: adoptees who are told about their adoption from birth or during infancy—and who grow up in families that openly discuss adoption—have significantly better outcomes across virtually every measure of psychological well-being (Choosing Therapy, 2025; The Cradle, 2025).
Why early disclosure works:
Prevents Betrayal Trauma: When adoption is simply a fact children have always known, there's no moment of devastating discovery.
Normalizes Adoption: Adoption becomes an unremarkable part of the child's identity, not a shameful secret.
Builds Trust: Open communication about adoption builds trust between parent and child that extends to all areas of their relationship.
Supports Identity Development: Children have their entire developmental journey to integrate their adoption story into their sense of self.
Creates Safety: Children never have to wonder "what else aren't they telling me?" They can trust that their parents will be honest with them.
The Messages That Heal
Research and clinical experience show that adoptees thrive when they receive these messages:
"Adoption is how our family was created, and it's wonderful"
"You will always be our child, no matter what"
"It's okay to have questions and feelings about being adopted"
"Your birth parents are real people with their own story"
"Being adopted is part of who you are, but it doesn't define you"
"You belong in this family completely and unconditionally"
The difference between thriving and struggling often comes down to this: Were you given truthful information from the start, and were you made to feel unconditionally secure?
Theoretical Frameworks: Understanding the Adoption Experience
What Is the Primal Wound?
The term "primal wound" was introduced by Nancy Verrier in her groundbreaking 1993 book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child. Verrier, a clinical psychologist and adoptive mother, proposed that the separation of an infant from their birth mother creates a fundamental wound that affects the child throughout their life (Verrier, 1993).
According to this theory, bonding doesn't begin at birth but rather represents a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events that begin in utero and continue through the post-natal period. The interruption of this natural bonding process through adoption creates what Verrier describes as "a wound which is physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual, a wound which causes pain so profound as to have been described as cellular" (Axness, 2022).
The Science Behind Early Bonding
Research supports the idea that infants form connections with their mothers before birth. Babies can recognize their mother's voice, heartbeat, and even smell from the womb. When this primary relationship is severed, even in the first days of life, the infant registers this loss at a preverbal, pre-cognitive level (Bowlby, 1969/1982).
Dr. Marcy Axness, an adoption therapist and adoptee herself, explains that the younger the baby at separation, the more complicated the trauma may be. This is because infants lack the verbal skills, declarative memory, or conceptual development to contextualize their overwhelming feelings. The terror of separation becomes merged with their developing sense of self—they become the trauma rather than experiencing it as something happening to them (Axness, 2022).
Controversy and Nuance
It's important to note that the primal wound theory remains controversial in adoption circles. Professor Charles Nelson from Harvard Medical School stated in 2013 that "there is no scientific evidence to support the primal wound theory that all adopted people carry a scar from being separated from biological parents" (Adoption Paradox, 2023). He emphasizes that countless adoptees, especially those adopted in the first two years of life, thrive and do well.
The reality is that adoption experiences exist on a spectrum. Not every adoptee resonates with the concept of a primal wound, and imposing this narrative can be harmful. As one adoption resource suggests, perhaps the wisdom of Alcoholics Anonymous applies here: "Take what you want and leave the rest" (Adoption Paradox, 2023). The primal wound framework may illuminate some adoptees' experiences while not applying to others—and that's okay.
How Being Adopted Affects Adult Relationships
“I was afraid to be abandoned (sent back) in my adult romantic relationship. I trusted everybody. I trusted them even when I had no reason to. For me maintaining a dysfunctional romantic relationship was better than being abandoned. I was willing to do anything, even abandoned myself.” (me)
Attachment and Trust Issues
One of the most significant ways adoption can affect individuals is through attachment patterns. Because attachment between a child and their mother begins in the womb, being separated at any stage after birth can lead to attachment trauma. Research indicates that adoptees may develop insecure attachment styles due to early separation from their biological parents, resulting in challenges with trust, forming healthy relationships, and feeling safe with caregivers (Therapy Central, 2024).
A 2024 study published in Children and Youth Services Review found that the dissatisfaction adoptees tend to feel in romantic relationships appears to be driven by avoidant attachment orientation and related problematic relational attitudes, including an inflated or restricted sense of relational entitlement and a lack of relational authenticity. The findings strengthen the claim that relational challenges associated with being adopted at a young age continue into adulthood (Jansson & Gunnarsson, 2024).
The Impact on Intimacy
Adult adoptees often report being more reserved or cautious when developing relationships. Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and trust, which can be particularly challenging for adoptees. Early losses and disruptions in bonding can impact an adoptee's relationships throughout life, affecting not only romantic partnerships but also friendships and therapeutic relationships (Practice San Francisco, 2024).
A recent qualitative study published in January 2025 explored 15 adult adoptees' experiences with psychotherapy. The research identified that relationships played a central role both in adult adoptees' decision to pursue psychotherapy and in their satisfaction with the therapeutic process. Many participants cited relationship difficulties as their primary motivation for seeking therapy (Geller, 2025).
Identity and Belonging
Adoptees may struggle with feelings of not truly belonging anywhere. This can manifest as:
Feelings of abandonment and rejection that persist into adulthood, influencing relationships and self-perception
Difficulty with identity formation, especially when lacking information about biological parents, genetic makeup, or family history
A sense of being different or "other," particularly in transracial adoptions where the adoptee's appearance differs from their adoptive family
Grief and loss that is often disenfranchised—society expects adoptees to be "grateful," making it difficult to publicly acknowledge feelings of loss (Therapy Central, 2024)
The Positive Side
It's crucial to emphasize that not all adoptees struggle with relationship difficulties. Many form secure, healthy attachments and thrive in their relationships. The impact of adoption on adult relationships varies greatly depending on factors including:
Age at adoption
Quality of care before and after adoption
Number of pre-adoption placements
Adoptive parents' attachment security
Open communication about adoption within the family
Access to adoption-competent support and therapy (Ehrlich, 2017)
Best Practices for Telling Your Child They Are Adopted
Start from Day One
The overwhelming consensus among adoption experts today is clear: tell your child about their adoption from the very beginning—from the moment you bring them home. There should be no single moment when your child "learns" they are adopted; rather, adoption should be a natural, integrated part of their personal story from birth (American Adoptions, 2024).
According to Dori Fujii, Adoptive Parent Counselor at The Cradle, "As a parent, you should be practicing, telling, building [and] creating the narrative about their adoption story, and the easiest way to do that is starting from the very beginning" (The Cradle, 2025).
Why Early Disclosure Matters
Starting early serves multiple important purposes:
Builds Trust: If your child discovers their adoption from someone else or later in life, they may feel lied to and have difficulty trusting you. Research shows that adoptees who learned about their adoption later often report feeling betrayed and experiencing lasting trust issues (Lifetime Adoption, 2025).
Practice for Parents: Talking about adoption when your child is an infant gives you time to practice telling the story, becoming comfortable with the language and narrative before your child can fully understand (The Cradle, 2025).
Normalizes Adoption: When adoption is part of a child's story from the beginning, it becomes a natural aspect of their identity rather than a secret that carries shame (Family Lives, 2024).
Supports Identity Development: Understanding their adoption history is necessary for children to develop a healthy sense of self. Failing to acknowledge a child's adoption can interfere with their identity formation (Choosing Therapy, 2025).
Age-Appropriate Communication
Infants and Toddlers (0-3 years)
Talk about adoption during daily routines—diaper changes, feeding, bedtime
Read adoption-themed picture books
Display photos of birth parents (if available) in your child's room
Use simple, positive language: "You grew in your birth mommy's tummy, and now you're in our family"
Preschoolers (3-5 years)
Continue regular, casual conversations about adoption
Answer questions simply and honestly
Create a "life book" with photos and stories from your child's adoption journey
Emphasize that being adopted doesn't mean they're loved any less
School-Age Children (6-10 years)
Expect more detailed questions about circumstances of their adoption
Begin sharing age-appropriate difficult information if relevant
Discuss feelings openly and validate their emotions
Prepare them for questions from peers about adoption
Preteens and Teens (11+ years)
Support increasing interest in birth family and heritage
Share all known non-identifying information
Allow space for complex emotions including anger, grief, and curiosity
Maintain open dialogue without becoming defensive (Creating a Family, 2023)
Important Principles
Use Positive, Accurate Language: Avoid phrases like "given up for adoption" or "chosen child." Instead, use terms like "made an adoption plan" or "placed for adoption." Explain that children join families in different ways (Einstein Pediatrics, 2024).
Be Honest: Adoptive parents should never fabricate information or avoid difficult truths. When you don't know something, it's okay to say so. Honesty builds trust (Adoption.com, 2024).
Acknowledge Loss: "I think one of the things parents have to accept is that adoption is a hurtful thing in some ways," says Fujii. "It's inevitable that a child lost a family to gain [a] family" (The Cradle, 2025).
Keep Communication Open: Let your child know they can ask questions anytime. Be prepared for the same questions to resurface as they process their story at different developmental stages (American Adoptions, 2024).
Involve Extended Family: Ensure grandparents and extended family members understand the importance of open communication about adoption and will support your approach (Lifetime Adoption, 2025).
Therapeutic Support for Adopted Children and Adults
Why Adoption-Competent Therapy Matters
Traditional parenting techniques and general therapy approaches don't always work for individuals who have experienced adoption-related trauma. Adopted individuals benefit most from therapists who understand the unique challenges of adoption, including:
Identity development complexities
Abandonment and attachment issues
Feelings of not belonging
Grief and loss
Lowered sense of self (Practice San Francisco, 2024)
Recommended Therapeutic Approaches for Children
1. Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) TBRI is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention specifically designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. It addresses:
Physical needs (Empowering Principles)
Attachment needs (Connecting Principles)
Fear-based behaviors (Correcting Principles)
This approach is particularly effective for children adopted from foster care or institutional settings (Focus on the Family, 2020).
2. Play Therapy Play therapy is commonly used with young children who have difficulty expressing their feelings verbally. Registered Play Therapists (RPT/RPTS) use games, dolls, toys, and pretend play to communicate with children and help them process their experiences (Barker Adoption Foundation, 2024).
3. Attachment Therapy Recommended for families who have adopted older children, attachment therapy focuses on building safe and secure emotional attachments between parent and child. At least one (or both) parents typically participate in sessions (Barker Adoption Foundation, 2024).
4. Occupational Therapy This addresses how children engage with their environment—educationally, socially, and in daily activities. Occupational therapy helps children:
Improve fine and gross motor skills
Develop motor planning abilities
Enhance self-regulation
Process sensory input correctly (Focus on the Family, 2020)
5. Sensory Processing Therapy This helps children organize and respond appropriately to information from their five senses, improving balance, spatial awareness, and the ability to calm their nervous system when dysregulated (Focus on the Family, 2020).
6. Expressive Arts Therapy Combines psychology and creative processes (art, music, dance, drama, poetry) to promote emotional growth and healing, particularly helpful for children who struggle with verbal expression (Boston Post Adoption Resources, 2024).
Recommended Therapeutic Approaches for Adults
1. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Particularly Attachment-Focused EMDR (AF-EMDR), which emphasizes a reparative therapeutic relationship. This combines:
Resource Tapping to strengthen clients and repair developmental deficits
EMDR to process traumas
Talk therapy to integrate information and provide healing through therapist-client interactions (Yoffe, 2024)
2. Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy This powerfully transformative, evidence-based model identifies and acknowledges internal family systems from the past and brings them into the present. IFS helps adoptees recognize that their inner parts contain valuable qualities, and the core Self knows how to heal them (Yoffe, 2024).
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Trauma-Focused CBT Effective in managing symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression. CBT helps adoptees challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping strategies (Therapy Central, 2024).
4. Somatic Experiencing and Body-Based Therapies Recognizing that trauma is stored in the body, somatic approaches help adoptees process preverbal trauma that occurred before they had language to describe their experiences (Yoffe, 2024).
5. Experiential Therapy This includes various interventions beyond traditional talk therapy, such as:
Animal-assisted therapies (equine therapy, wolf connection)
Adventure and wilderness therapy
Psychodrama and role-playing
Art, music, and dance/movement therapy
These approaches help adoptees access and process emotions through direct experience (Yoffe, 2024).
6. Adoption-Specific Therapy (ADAPT) The ADAPT (ADaption And Postadoption Therapy) protocol is a structured, evidence-based treatment manual specifically designed for families that adopt vulnerable children. It includes modules on:
Trust and positive coping strategies
Developmental understanding of adoption experience
Behavior management
Processing trauma and loss (Waterman, Langley, Miranda & Riley, 2019)
Finding the Right Therapist
When seeking therapy, look for professionals who:
Have specific training in adoption issues (such as Training for Adoption Competency - TAC)
Understand attachment theory and trauma-informed care
Are willing to involve the whole family when appropriate
Create a safe space for exploring all aspects of the adoption experience, including difficult feelings
Ideally, identify as adoptees themselves (though this isn't required)
Several organizations maintain directories of adoption-competent therapists, including the Adoptee Therapist Directory and the Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E. Institute).
The Role of Community
Recent research emphasizes that individual therapy alone may not be sufficient. A 2025 study found that adult adoptees benefit significantly from:
Peer support groups (both in-person and online)
Adoptee communities where experiences are shared and validated
Adoption activism and advocacy work
Resources that complement therapy, such as books, podcasts, and workshops focused on adoption (Geller, 2025)
Many adoptees report that connecting with other adoptees—people who understand their experience firsthand—was as healing as formal therapy.
Moving Forward with Compassion
For Adoptive Parents
Embrace complexity: Your child's life includes both celebration of your family and grief for what was lost. Both truths can coexist.
Educate yourself: Read books by adult adoptees, follow adoptee voices on social media, and attend adoption-competent training.
Stay open: Your child's feelings about adoption may change over time. What they need from you is consistent support, not defensive reactions.
Seek support: Parenting an adopted child has unique challenges. Connect with other adoptive parents and consider family therapy when needed.
Honor their story: Remember that your child's adoption story belongs to them. Share it with respect and let them lead as they grow.
For Adult Adoptees
Your feelings are valid: Whether you feel the primal wound deeply or not at all, your experience is legitimate. There's no "right" way to feel about being adopted.
Seek connection: Consider connecting with other adoptees who can understand your experience in ways others cannot.
Therapy can help: Even if you've tried therapy before without success, an adoption-competent therapist who truly understands these issues may offer breakthrough support.
Explore your story: If you're interested in learning more about your birth family or heritage, that curiosity is natural and healthy.
Set boundaries: You get to decide how adoption fits into your identity and when/how to discuss it with others.
For Everyone
Adoption is not simply a transaction that creates families—it's a lifelong journey for everyone involved. By acknowledging both the beauty and the challenges, providing trauma-informed support, and maintaining open, honest communication, we can help adopted individuals build secure attachments, develop healthy identities, and form meaningful relationships throughout their lives.
The journey of adoption is complex, nuanced, and deeply personal. While the concept of the primal wound helps some adoptees make sense of their experiences, others may not resonate with this framework—and both perspectives are valid. What remains clear from current research is that adoption has lifelong implications for identity, attachment, and relationships.
By telling children about their adoption from day one, providing age-appropriate information throughout their development, and ensuring access to adoption-competent therapeutic support, we can help adopted individuals integrate their experiences and thrive. Whether you're an adoptive parent, an adult adoptee, or a professional working with the adoption community, approaching these issues with compassion, honesty, and openness to multiple perspectives will best serve everyone involved.
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References
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