How Attachment Styles and “Your Traitor Within” Affect Adult Relationships
By Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
How your childhood relationships shape the way you love as an adult, show up in relationships—and how the "Traitor Within" sabotages your emotional wellbeing.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory explains how our earliest relationships—especially with parents or caregivers—create lasting patterns in how we connect with others throughout our lives. Think of it as your "relationship blueprint" that gets formed when you're very young.
The basic idea: We learn how to love by how we were loved.
These early experiences don't just influence our relationships—they create an internal voice or way of being that can either support us or sabotage us for years to come.
Understanding the "Traitor Within"
The "Traitor Within" is the misguided part of yourself—often shaped by childhood trauma, toxic messaging, or dysfunctional role models—that repeatedly leads you down self-destructive paths. It manifests as an inner voice or mindset that promotes negative patterns.
This internal saboteur isn't trying to hurt you—it's actually trying to protect you based on outdated information from your past. However, its "protection" often creates the very problems it's trying to prevent.
How the Traitor Within Develops:
• Childhood trauma or neglect that teaches you the world isn't safe
• Toxic messaging from caregivers ("You're too sensitive," "Don't trust anyone," "Love hurts" as examples.)
• Dysfunctional role models who showed you relationship patterns through messaging and modeling
• Repeated experiences of rejection, abandonment, or betrayal as examples
• Cultural or family beliefs
Common “Traitor Within” Messages:
• "You're not good enough"
• "Everyone leaves eventually"
• "If you need someone, you're weak"
• "Love always leads to pain"
• "You can't trust anyone"
• "You're too much for people to handle"
• "Independence is the only safety"
The Four Attachment Styles and Their “Traitors Within”
1. Secure Attachment (About Half of All People)
The Healthy Pattern
How it develops: Your caregivers were generally responsive, loving, and consistent. They weren't perfect, but they were "good enough" and made repairs when things went wrong.
The Secure Inner Voice: Instead of a destructive “Traitor Within”, secure individuals develop a supportive inner voice that says things like: "Relationships have ups and downs, but this will work out," "I can handle whatever comes," and "I'm worthy of love."
What it looks like in adult relationships:
• You're comfortable with closeness and independence
• You communicate well during disagreements
• You trust that your partner cares about you
• You can give and receive support easily
• Your inner voice supports rather than sabotages your connections
Real-life example: When S. notices her boyfriend seems distant after work, her inner voice says, "He's probably just tired. Let me check in with care." She approaches him warmly: "You seem like you might need some space tonight. Is everything okay? Would it help to talk, or do you need some quiet time first?" Her secure inner voice guides her toward connection, not fear.
2. Anxious Attachment (About 1 in 5 People)
The "Am I Loved?" Pattern
How it develops: Your caregivers were sometimes loving and available, but other times they were overwhelmed, stressed, or emotionally unavailable. This inconsistency taught you that love isn't guaranteed and you must work constantly to earn it.
The Anxious “Traitor Within:” This inner saboteur constantly scans for threats to the relationship and whispers: "They're losing interest," "You're too needy," "You have to prove you're worth loving," "If you're not perfect, they'll leave," "That delayed text means they're done with you."
What it looks like in adult relationships:
• You worry constantly about being abandoned or rejected
• You need frequent reassurance from your partner
• Small things (like a delayed text response) can trigger panic
• You might become clingy or demanding when scared
• You overanalyze every interaction for signs of rejection
Real-life example: When M.'s girlfriend doesn't respond to his text within an hour, his “Traitor Within” activates: "She's losing interest. She's probably talking to someone else. You knew this was too good to be true. Send another message to remind her why she likes you." Acting on these fears, he sends three more messages, each more anxious than the last. When she finally responds explaining she was in a meeting, he feels temporarily relieved, but his “Traitor Within” is already preparing for the next "threat."
How the Anxious Traitor Within Sabotages:
• Creates the very neediness that can push partners away
• Misinterprets neutral behaviors as rejection
• Drives excessive reassurance-seeking that exhausts relationships
• Prevents you from enjoying relationship security when you have it
3. Avoidant Attachment (About 1 in 4 People)
The "I Don't Need Anyone" Pattern
How it develops: Your caregivers were consistently unresponsive, dismissive of emotions, or encouraged extreme independence. You learned that needing others leads to disappointment and that emotions are dangerous or weak.
The Avoidant Traitor Within: This inner voice warns: "Don't get too close—they'll disappoint you," "Needing someone makes you vulnerable," "Emotions are weakness," "Independence equals safety," "If you don't care, you can't get hurt," "They'll leave anyway, so protect yourself first."
What it looks like in adult relationships:
• You value independence above connection
• Emotional intimacy feels uncomfortable or suffocating
• You might withdraw when your partner wants to get closer
• You struggle to understand why "feelings" matter so much
• You minimize the importance of relationships
Real-life example: When L.'s partner says he feels disconnected from her, her “Traitor Within” immediately activates: "Here we go—emotional drama. You don't need this. He's trying to control you with feelings. Stay strong and independent." She responds coolly: "I don't know what you want from me. We spend time together, we're both successful. Isn't that enough?" Her Traitor Within has successfully protected her from vulnerability—but also from intimacy.
How the Avoidant Traitor Within Sabotages:
• Prevents the deep intimacy you secretly crave
• Creates emotional distance that can end relationships
• Dismisses your own emotional needs as weakness
• Blocks you from experiencing the joy and support that comes with connection
4. Disorganized Attachment (About 1 in 10 People)
The "Hot and Cold" Pattern
How it develops: Your caregivers were sometimes the source of comfort AND fear—perhaps due to abuse, trauma, or their own severe emotional problems. This created impossible confusion about whether relationships are safe.
The Disorganized Traitor Within: This is the most chaotic internal voice, sending contradictory messages simultaneously: "Get close—you need them desperately!" battles with "Run away—they're going to hurt you!" "Love them completely!" fights with "Destroy this before they destroy you!" "You can't live without them!" conflicts with "You can't trust anyone!"
What it looks like in adult relationships:
• You desperately want closeness but panic when you get it
• Your behavior in relationships seems contradictory to others
• You might push people away right after pulling them close
• Relationships feel chaotic and unpredictable
• You recreate familiar but painful relationship patterns
Real-life example: J. craves intimacy and initiates a deep conversation with her partner about their future together. But as soon as he responds positively and moves closer, her Traitor Within creates panic: "This is too much. He's going to hurt you. Everyone who gets close eventually hurts you. Better to hurt him first." She suddenly becomes cold and says, "You're going to leave anyway, so why don't you just go now?" Her partner is confused and hurt, creating the very rejection her Traitor Within "predicted."
How the Disorganized “Traitor Within” Sabotages:
• Creates chaos in relationships through contradictory behaviors
• Sabotages good relationships out of fear they'll become bad ones
• Recreates familiar trauma patterns because they feel "normal"
• Prevents stable, consistent connection
How Each “Traitor Within” Operates in Daily Life
The Anxious Traitor's Daily Sabotage:
• Morning: Partner seems quiet over coffee → "They're mad at me. What did I do wrong?"
• Afternoon: Partner doesn't respond to lunch text → "They're losing interest. Our relationship is ending."
• Evening: Partner wants alone time → "They don't want me around. I'm too much."
• Night: Can't sleep, replaying every interaction for signs of rejection
The Avoidant Traitor's Daily Sabotage:
• Morning: Partner wants to discuss weekend plans → "Why do we need to plan everything together? I need space."
• Afternoon: Partner sends loving text → Doesn't respond or responds with just "ok"
• Evening: Partner expresses feeling disconnected → "They're being too needy. This is suffocating."
• Night: Notices partner seems sad but doesn't ask what's wrong
The Disorganized Traitor's Daily Sabotage:
• Morning: Feels close to partner → Suddenly picks a fight to create distance
• Afternoon: Misses partner desperately → Shows up at their work unexpectedly
• Evening: Partner provides comfort → Feels trapped and becomes hostile
• Night: Alternates between "I love you" and "I can't do this anymore"
Recognizing Your “Traitor Within:” Key Warning Signs
Universal Warning Signs:
• Repetitive negative thought patterns about relationships
• Self-sabotaging behaviors that damage good connections
• Inner dialogue that's harsh, fearful, or contradictory
• Automatic reactions that don't match current reality
• Patterns that recreate childhood pain
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• What does my inner voice typically tell me about relationships?
• Do I have recurring relationship problems that seem to "just happen" to me?
• What did I learn about love and safety from my early caregivers?
• When do I feel most compelled to sabotage good things in my life?
• What am I most afraid of in relationships, and how do I try to prevent it?
Breaking Free: Confronting Your “Traitor Within”
Step 1: Recognition and Awareness
• Notice the voice: Pay attention to your inner dialogue, especially during relationship stress
• Name it: "That's my Traitor Within trying to 'protect' me"
• Question it: "Is this thought helpful? Is it based on current reality or old fears?"
Example: D. notices his inner voice saying "She's going to leave you" when his girlfriend is studying for exams. He recognizes this as his Anxious Traitor Within and thinks, "This is my old fear talking. She's actually just focused on school."
Step 2: Understanding the Origins
• Trace it back: Where did these messages first come from?
• Have compassion: Your Traitor Within developed to protect you during a difficult time
• Differentiate: Past experiences don't dictate present reality
Example: R. realizes her Avoidant Traitor Within saying "Don't need anyone" comes from a childhood where her parents were too overwhelmed to provide emotional support. She understands this voice helped her survive then but hurts her now.
Step 3: Developing New Internal Messages
• Create counter-statements: Develop healthier, more realistic inner dialogue
• Practice regularly: Repeat new messages until they become automatic
• Be patient: Changing internal patterns takes time and consistency
Healthy Counter-Messages by Type:
For Anxious Types:
• Instead of "They're losing interest" → "People have their own lives and stresses"
• Instead of "I'm too much" → "I deserve love for who I am"
• Instead of "I need constant proof of love" → "Love exists even when not being actively demonstrated"
For Avoidant Types:
• Instead of "Don't need anyone" → "Healthy interdependence is strength, not weakness"
• Instead of "Emotions are dangerous" → "Feelings provide important information"
• Instead of "Keep walls up" → "Vulnerability creates real intimacy"
For Disorganized Types:
• Instead of conflicting messages → "I can take things one moment at a time"
• Instead of "All or nothing" → "Relationships can be stable and safe"
• Instead of "Chaos is normal" → "I deserve consistent, caring love"
Step 4: Taking Different Actions
• Pause before reacting: When your Traitor Within activates, take a breath
• Choose consciously: Act based on your values, not your fears
• Start small: Make tiny changes in your typical patterns
Example: When T.'s Disorganized Traitor Within makes her want to push her boyfriend away after a loving moment, she pauses and says, "I'm feeling scared of this closeness, but I want to stay present with you. Can you help me through this feeling?"
Modern Research and Treatment Approaches
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Recent developments in EFT help couples understand how each partner's “Traitor Within” creates negative relationship cycles. Therapists help partners recognize when their internal saboteurs are activated and learn to comfort each other instead of triggering more fear.
Case Example: M. (anxious) and J. (avoidant) learn to recognize their cycle. When M.'s Anxious “Traitor Within”activates with "He's pulling away," she learns to say, "I'm feeling scared that we're disconnecting. My anxious part is active right now. Can we take a moment to reconnect?" J. learns that M.'s fear isn't criticism but a request for reassurance, allowing his own Avoidant Traitor Within to quiet down.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS therapy directly addresses the concept of internal "parts" like the Traitor Within. Clients learn to dialogue with these protective parts, understanding their positive intentions while helping them step back from their destructive roles.
Therapeutic Process: A client might say to their Anxious “Traitor Within:” "Thank you for trying to protect me from abandonment. You worked hard to keep me safe when I was little. But I'm an adult now, and your constant worry is actually pushing people away. Can you trust me to handle my relationships while you rest?"
Mindfulness-Based Interventions
Research shows mindfulness practices help people observe their Traitor Within without immediately believing or acting on its messages. This creates space for conscious choice rather than automatic reaction.
Practical Application: When K. notices her Avoidant “Traitor Within” saying "He's getting too clingy," she practices mindful observation: "I notice my protective part is active. This feeling is familiar from childhood when closeness felt unsafe. But this is a different person and a different time. Let me stay curious about what he actually needs."
Trauma-Informed Approaches
For those with Disorganized attachment, trauma-informed therapy addresses the underlying wounds that created such a chaotic “Traitor Within.” Approaches like EMDR, somatic therapy, and specialized trauma treatment help heal the original injuries.
The Neuroscience of Change: Why Healing Is Possible
Recent brain research shows that our neural pathways remain changeable throughout life—a quality called neuroplasticity. This means the patterns created by your Traitor Within can actually be rewired through new experiences and conscious practice.
Key Findings:
• Repetition creates change: New thoughts and behaviors, practiced consistently, form new neural pathways
• Relationships heal: Secure, supportive relationships literally help rewire attachment-related brain patterns
• Mindfulness helps: Awareness practices strengthen the brain regions responsible for conscious choice over automatic reaction
• Therapy works: The therapeutic relationship itself provides corrective attachment experiences
Cultural and Social Considerations
The Traitor Within often incorporates not just family messages but also broader cultural beliefs about relationships, gender roles, and emotional expression.
Examples of Cultural Influences:
• "Men don't show weakness" → Creates Avoidant Traitor Within in men
• "Good women sacrifice for others" → Creates Anxious Traitor Within in women
• "Family comes first always" → Can create guilt about healthy boundaries
• "Independence is everything" → Makes interdependence seem threatening
Important Note: What looks like "secure" attachment varies across cultures. The goal isn't to fit a Western ideal but to develop healthy patterns within your cultural context.
Practical Daily Strategies for Each Type
For Anxious Attachment:
Morning Practice: Start each day by reminding yourself: "I am worthy of love just as I am" During Triggers: When anxiety hits, pause and ask: "What evidence do I have that this fear is real right now?" Communication: Practice saying: "I'm feeling insecure right now, but I know that's my old pattern. Can you reassure me that we're okay?" Evening Reflection: Journal about moments when you felt secure in your relationship
For Avoidant Attachment:
Morning Practice: Set an intention to notice one emotional need (yours or your partner's) each day During Triggers: When you want to withdraw, ask: "What am I afraid will happen if I stay present?" Communication: Practice saying: "I'm feeling overwhelmed by closeness right now, but I want to work through this with you" Evening Reflection: Acknowledge any moments when you chose connection over withdrawal
For Disorganized Attachment:
Morning Practice: Ground yourself with five senses: What do you see, hear, smell, taste, touch? During Triggers: When internal chaos hits, focus on breathing and remind yourself: "I am safe right now" Communication: Practice saying: "I'm having a trauma response right now. Can you help me feel grounded?" Evening Reflection: Celebrate any moments when you chose consistency over chaos
Relationships as Healing Spaces
One of the most powerful aspects of understanding your Traitor Within is recognizing that healthy relationships can actually helpheal these old wounds. When you find partners, friends, or therapists who consistently respond with care and reliability, your Traitor Within gradually learns that its old fears may not apply anymore.
Signs of a Healing Relationship:
• They remain calm when your Traitor Within gets activated
• They don't take your attachment behaviors personally
• They respond to your underlying need rather than your surface behavior
• They provide consistent care over time
• They help you feel safe to explore your patterns
When to Seek Professional Help
Consider working with a therapist when:
• Your “Traitor Within” significantly interferes with your relationships or well-being
• You have a history of trauma that created disorganized attachment patterns
• You keep repeating the same destructive relationship patterns despite awareness
• You're experiencing depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms alongside attachment struggles
• You want support in developing earned security
Types of helpful therapy:
• Attachment-based therapy
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples
• Internal Family Systems (IFS)
• EMDR for trauma
• Somatic therapy for body-based trauma responses
The Journey to Earned Security
The most hopeful message of attachment research is that regardless of how you started, you can develop "earned security"—the ability to form healthy, stable relationships even if your early experiences were difficult.
Earned Security Develops Through:
• Self-awareness: Understanding your patterns and their origins
• Healing relationships: Experiencing consistent care and reliability
• Inner work: Confronting and changing your Traitor Within
• Professional support: Working with skilled therapists when needed
• Patience with yourself: Recognizing that change takes time
Signs You're Developing Earned Security:
• Your “Traitor Within” gets activated less frequently
• When it does activate, you can recognize it more quickly
• You can self-soothe during relationship stress
• You communicate your needs more directly
• You choose partners who are capable of healthy relationship
• You feel worthy of love and capable of giving love
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Power from the Traitor Within
Your “Traitor Within” isn't your enemy—it's a misguided protector that once helped you survive difficult circumstances. But survival strategies that worked in childhood may become saboteurs in adult relationships. By recognizing these patterns, understanding their origins, and consciously choosing new responses, you can reclaim your power to create the loving, secure relationships you deserve.
Remember:
• Your attachment style explains your patterns but doesn't excuse harmful behavior
• The “Traitor Within” developed to protect you, but it may now be protecting you from the very things you want most
• Change is possible at any age with awareness, effort, and often professional support
• Small, consistent changes create lasting transformation
• You deserve relationships based on love, not fear
The journey from recognizing your “Traitor Within” to developing earned security requires courage, patience, and self-compassion. But for those willing to undertake this journey, the rewards are profound: the freedom to love and be loved without the constant interference of old fears and outdated protection strategies.
Your “Traitor Within” may have helped you survive your past, but it doesn't have to control your future. With awareness, intention, and support, you can develop the secure, loving relationships that your authentic self truly desires.
If you're struggling with relationship patterns, self-sabotage, or emotional distress, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional. Therapy can provide the safe, healing relationship that helps quiet your Traitor Within and develop earned security.
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References:
What is the "Traitor Within"? The "Traitor Within" is the misguided part of yourself—often shaped by childhood trauma, toxic messaging, or dysfunctional role models—that repeatedly leads you down self-destructive paths. It manifests as an inner voice or mindset that promotes negative patterns. *Jessica Anne Pressler’s concept empowers you to recognize and confront this force, starting the process of healing and self-empowerment.
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