When the Therapist Misses the Abuse
This week on Your Traitor Within, I had the privilege of speaking with Jennifer Parker, MSSW, therapist, author of Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek, and founder of Find Your Voice: End the Silence.
This conversation touched on something I care deeply about both professionally and personally: what happens when survivors seek help but the abuse itself is not recognized.
For many years, conversations about anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and relationship struggles often took place without enough attention being paid to the context surrounding them. Survivors were given diagnoses. They were given coping strategies. They were given medication.
But too often, no one asked the most important question:
"What is happening in the relationship?"
Jennifer and I discussed how easily coercive control can be missed when therapists are not trained to recognize it, and how devastating it can be when survivors leave therapy believing they are the problem rather than understanding the manipulation they are experiencing.
One of the things I appreciated most about Jennifer's work is her emphasis on context. Before we can help someone understand their internal patterns, we must understand the environment those patterns developed within.
As social workers, both Jennifer and I were trained to look beyond the individual and consider the family, the relationships, the culture, and the systems surrounding them. That perspective remains critical when working with survivors of abuse.
Jennifer also shared her own story.
After discovering infidelity in her first marriage, she began a journey of self-discovery that led her to examine not only the relationship itself, but the messages she had internalized throughout childhood about self-worth, confidence, and what she believed she deserved.
As she reflected on her own healing, she spoke openly about low self-esteem, perfectionism, fear of visibility, and the ways childhood experiences can quietly shape adult relationships.
One of my favorite moments in the conversation was when Jennifer described healing as reclaiming her voice.
Not becoming someone new.
Not becoming perfect.
Simply learning to trust herself again.
The conversation also explores the overlap between what Jennifer calls the internalized abuser and what I call the Traitor Within. Different language, similar reality: the internal messages that tell us to doubt ourselves, shrink ourselves, abandon our needs, or accept less than we deserve.
Most importantly, we discuss compassion.
Because these patterns are not signs of weakness.
They are adaptations.
They are survival strategies.
And understanding them is often the beginning of freedom.
You can learn more about Jennifer's work here:
https://www.findyourvoicehealing.com/
Read her book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684336678/
Listen to the full episode of Your Traitor Within:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-traitor-within/id1797804404
Thank you, as always, for being part of this community.
— Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
