When the People You Counted on Take Their Side: Understanding Flying Monkeys and Abuse by Proxy
by Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
There is a particular kind of heartbreak that arrives at the very moment you need people the most. You have finally found the courage to leave a narcissistic partner, or to step back from a family member who has hurt you for years. You are exhausted, shaken, and raw. You reach for the people you trusted, the friends you have shared holidays with, the cousin you grew up beside, the sister-in-law you confided in, and you expect to be held.
Instead, you discover they have already chosen a side. And it is not yours.
They repeat things you never said. They question your memory of events they never witnessed. They tell you that you are being dramatic, that you should forgive and move on, that the person who hurt you is actually suffering and "just wants to talk." Some of them stop speaking to you altogether. Others keep showing up, but now every conversation carries a message that is not really theirs.
These people are often called flying monkeys.
What Is a Flying Monkey?
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch sends her winged monkeys to do her bidding. In regard of narcissistic abuse, a flying monkey is someone who carries out the narcissist's agenda on their behalf, whether they realize it or not.
Flying monkeys might:
• Pass along messages, guilt trips, or veiled threats from the narcissist
• Spread the narcissist's version of events to friends, family, coworkers, or your community
• Pressure you to reconcile, "be the bigger person," or keep the peace
• Gather information about your life, your new relationships, or your plans and report back
• Defend the narcissist and minimize or deny what happened to you
• Exclude you from gatherings, group chats, or family events
• Question your sanity, your motives, or your character
Not every flying monkey is cruel. Some genuinely believe they are helping. That is part of what makes this form of harm so confusing and so painful.
Abuse by Proxy: When the Harm Comes Through Other People
What flying monkeys participate in is known as abuse by proxy. It means the narcissist continues to harm you, control you, or punish you, but does it through other people. When direct access to you has been cut off, or when the narcissist wants to keep their public image clean, they recruit others to do the work.
Abuse by proxy is effective for several reasons. It allows the narcissist to keep their hands clean and appear reasonable, even wounded. It isolates you by turning your support system into a source of pain. It makes you doubt yourself, because when many people are saying the same thing, it is natural to wonder whether they are right. And it extends the narcissist's reach into every corner of your life long after you have left.
Perhaps most painfully, abuse by proxy often shows up during a smear campaign. The narcissist frequently gets to people first, framing themselves as the victim and casting you as unstable, vindictive, or cruel. By the time you are ready to speak your truth, the story has already been written for you.
They Were Groomed Long Before You Knew
One of the hardest realizations for many survivors is that this did not begin when you left. In most cases, the groundwork was laid long before.
Narcissists tend to cultivate relationships strategically. Over months or years, they may have been quietly shaping how others see you. Perhaps it was a concerned comment here and there: "I'm worried about her, she's been so emotional lately." Perhaps it was a subtle shift in who got invited, who got confided in, whose version of a disagreement got told first. Perhaps they made themselves indispensable to certain people, generous, charming, helpful, so that loyalty would be firmly in place when it was needed.
When you look back, you may begin to notice the signs:
• A friend who became oddly cool or distant without explanation
• Family members who started asking pointed questions about your mental health
• Conversations that suddenly stopped when you walked into the room
• People who seemed to know things about your private life that you never told them and often what they’re told is only a partial truth if true at all
• A slow drift where others began deferring to the narcissist and dismissing you
Seeing this clearly in hindsight can bring grief, anger, and even embarrassment. Please be gentle with yourself. You were not naive. You were living inside a relationship where manipulation was designed to go unnoticed. Grooming works precisely because it is subtle.
What It Feels Like to Be Targeted by Flying Monkeys
Many survivors describe a profound sense of betrayal, the shock of realizing that people who claimed to love you and know you, don’t know you at all and are now participating in your harm. There is often deep loneliness, because the very people you would normally turn to for comfort are the ones causing pain. There can be confusion and self-doubt, a quiet voice asking, "If everyone sees it this way, maybe I am the problem." There is grief, sometimes for many relationships at once. And there is often exhaustion from trying again and again to explain what happened and being met with disbelief.
Some survivors describe it as being gaslit by a crowd. It can trigger the same nervous system responses as the original abuse: anxiety, hypervigilance, sleeplessness, and the urge to fawn or over-explain in order to be believed. All of these reactions make sense. Your body is responding to a real threat to your safety and belonging.
Why Do People Become Flying Monkeys?
Understanding why people take on this role will not erase the hurt, but it can help you stop taking it personally and loosen its grip. People become flying monkeys for many different reasons:
• They have been deceived. Many flying monkeys have only heard one side of the story, a carefully crafted one. They genuinely believe they are helping someone who has been wronged. Often they were love bombed, just like you were.
• They are conflict avoidant. Some people will do almost anything to restore peace. To them, getting you to reconcile seems easier than confronting the person causing harm.
• They are afraid of the narcissist. Some flying monkeys, especially within families, have learned that siding with the narcissist is the safest place to stand. Crossing that person may carry consequences they are not ready to face.
• They benefit from the alliance. Staying close to the narcissist may bring approval, inclusion, money, status, or simply relief from being the target themselves.
• They share similar traits. Some flying monkeys have narcissistic tendencies of their own and enjoy the drama, the power, or the role of enforcer.
• They were raised inside the same system. In narcissistic family systems, roles are assigned early. A sibling who was the "golden child" or a parent who has spent decades enabling may simply be doing what the family has always done: protect the narcissist and silence whoever speaks up.
• They cannot face what it would mean if you were right. Believing you may require someone to reckon with their own blind spots, their own history, or their own complicity. Denial can feel far safer.
None of these reasons make the harm acceptable. But they can help you see that a flying monkey's behavior says more about their fears, loyalties, and limitations than it does about your worth or your truth.
How to Cope With Flying Monkeys
There is no single right way to handle this, but there are approaches that can protect your peace and help you heal.
Stop trying to convince them
This may be the hardest step of all. When someone you love does not believe you, every instinct says to explain one more time, gather more evidence, find the perfect words. But people who are invested in the narcissist's version of events are rarely moved by explanation. Every justification you offer can be twisted and carried back. You do not need their agreement to know what happened to you.
Keep your responses brief and neutral
If you must interact with a flying monkey, try to keep it short, calm, and free of emotional detail. A simple "I'm not going to discuss that" or "I understand you see it differently" is enough. Some people call this gray rocking: becoming as uninteresting as possible so there is nothing to report back.
Guard your information
Be thoughtful about what you share and with whom. Consider tightening your social media privacy settings and limiting who can see your posts. If information seems to be traveling back to the narcissist, notice where it is coming from.
Set and hold clear boundaries
You are allowed to say, "I won't talk about him with you," or "If you bring her up again, I'll need to end this conversation." Then follow through. Boundaries are not punishments. They are the limits you set to protect your well-being.
Document when it matters
If you are in a divorce, custody dispute, or any legal situation, keep a record of messages and interactions. Flying monkey behavior can escalate into harassment, and having documentation can protect you.
Allow yourself to grieve
Losing people to a smear campaign is a real loss, sometimes many losses at once. You may be grieving friendships, a sense of family, a community, or the version of these people you believed in. Let yourself feel that grief.
Find people who can see you clearly
Healing happens in safe relationships. Seek out people who believe you without demanding proof: a trusted friend outside the circle, a support group, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Being truly seen, even by one person, can begin to undo the isolation and manipulation the narcissist created.
Considering No Contact
For many survivors, there comes a point where limiting contact is not enough. No contact means choosing to end communication entirely, not only with the narcissist but sometimes with the flying monkeys who keep the harm alive.
No contact is not about revenge or holding a grudge. It is about safety. It creates the space you need for your nervous system to settle, for your thoughts to become your own again, and for healing to take root. When every interaction leaves you anxious, depleted, or doubting your own reality, stepping away may be the most loving thing you can do for yourself.
A few things to keep in mind:
• You do not owe anyone a lengthy explanation. If you choose to say anything at all, a short, clear statement is enough.
• Expect a reaction. Narcissists and their flying monkeys often escalate when access is cut off. Guilt trips, hoovering attempts, sudden emergencies, and messages sent through new people are common.
• No contact can be selective. You may decide to go no contact with some people and maintain limited boundaries with others.
• If no contact is not possible, perhaps because you share children, work together, or have other obligations, minimal contact with firm boundaries can provide some protection.
• Your decisions can evolve as you heal and as circumstances shift. Choosing no contact with people you once loved is one of the most painful decisions a person can make. If you make it, it does not mean you failed to love well enough. It means you finally chose to love yourself, too.
When the Traitor Within Joins In
Sometimes the hardest flying monkey to quiet is the one inside your own head. After years of being doubted, many survivors have an inner voice that aides and echoes the narcissist: maybe you overreacted, maybe you should reach out, maybe if you explain it just right they will finally understand. That urge to over-explain, to keep the peace at any cost, or to return to people who have hurt you is not a character flaw, it’s your Traitor Within. It is an old survival strategy. Recognizing it gently, rather than obeying it, is a powerful part of reclaiming your life.
You Are Not What They Say You Are
When the people you hoped would stand beside you instead stand against you, it can shake the very foundation of who you believe yourself to be. Please remember that just because the narcissist and their flying monkeys said something, even repeated it loudly, it doesn’t make it true. Trust your truth. You will find your people who will believe you and support you and love you. Please take time to grieve. Take time to tell your story to people who believe you. Take time to heal. You don’t have to do it alone.
If You Need Support
If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988
About the Author: Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker who has been a psychotherapist for nearly 40 years. She developed the "Traitor Within" framework to help people name and understand the repetitive self-sabotage that shows up in their adult lives. She is the host of the podcast Your Traitor Within, author of Your Traitor Within: A Year of Journaling Prompts for Healing and Empowerment, and author of her debut novel, Traitor Within — How Her Fear of Abandonment Led Her to Abandon Herself. To learn more go to jessicaannepressler@gmail.com
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