What We are Taught in Childhood Can be a Positive or Negative Influence in Our Lives. Let Me Explain by Using the Message “Carry On.”
By Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW
The messages we receive in childhood echo through the chambers of our adult lives, shaping not only how we view ourselves but how we navigate the world around us. These early lessons, delivered through both explicit instruction and implicit modeling, become the foundation upon which we build our understanding of relationships, self-worth, and survival. One particularly powerful message many of us receive is the imperative to "carry on” no matter what happens. This seemingly straightforward directive can manifest as either our greatest ally or our most insidious adversary, depending on the context in which we apply it.
In the professional sphere, this message often serves as our “friend within,” providing the resilience needed to overcome workplace challenges. When faced with a failed project, a missed promotion, or professional setbacks, the ability to pick ourselves up and continue forward becomes invaluable. This same resilience helps us pursue educational goals, weather financial difficulties, and maintain focus on long-term aspirations despite temporary obstacles.
The "carry on" mentality proves particularly beneficial in personal development and skill-building. Whether learning a new language, mastering a musical instrument, or developing athletic abilities, the persistence to continue despite initial failures or plateaus often leads to eventual success. This friend within reminds us that temporary setbacks are not permanent defeats, helping us maintain perspective and continue working toward our goals.
In the realm of friendships and family relationships, this message can help us navigate conflicts and misunderstandings with grace. It enables us to move past minor disagreements, forgive small transgressions, and maintain important connections despite occasional tensions. The ability to "carry on" helps us avoid dwelling on past hurts while maintaining healthy boundaries and open communication.
During times of grief or loss, this message can provide the strength needed to continue functioning and eventually heal. While it's essential to fully process our emotions, the ability to “carry on” helps us gradually reintegrate into daily life and find new meaning after significant losses. This “friend within” gently encourages us to keep moving forward while still honoring our feelings and memories.
However, this same message becomes our “Traitor Within” when applied to situations of abuse or chronic mistreatment, particularly in romantic relationships. The directive to "carry on" can lead us to normalize harmful behavior, suppress our natural protective instincts, and remain in dangerous situations long after we should have sought safety. This is where the message that served us well in other contexts becomes a betrayal of our own wellbeing.
Consider how this plays out in various scenarios. In a healthy context, "carrying on" after a work presentation goes poorly might mean analyzing what went wrong, making improvements, and approaching the next opportunity with renewed determination. But in an abusive relationship, "carrying on" after emotional or physical abuse can mean suppressing trauma, ignoring red flags, and remaining vulnerable to escalating harm.
The key lies in learning to distinguish when this childhood message serves as friend or foe. In situations that challenge our growth or require temporary discomfort for long-term benefit, the "carry on" message empowers us to persist and achieve. However, in situations that threaten our fundamental safety, dignity, or wellbeing, this same message can keep us trapped in harmful patterns.
Professional advancement often benefits from this persistent mindset. When faced with a challenging career transition, the ability to push through uncertainty and temporary setbacks often leads to valuable opportunities and growth. Similarly, in entrepreneurship, the capacity to weather early failures and continue refining one's approach frequently determines long-term success. However, the same message could keep you in a career that cause you mental anguish or one that keeps you away from another career that is better suited to you creating tunnel vision.
In physical health and fitness, this mentality helps us maintain beneficial habits despite temporary discomfort or slow progress. Whether recovering from an injury, maintaining a exercise routine, or adapting to dietary changes, the ability to persist through challenges while respecting our body's limits proves invaluable. However, you may be pushing yourself too hard and cause physical harm.
Creative pursuits particularly benefit from this approach. Writers, artists, and musicians often face periods of self-doubt, creative blocks, or harsh criticism. The ability to carry on through these challenges, while maintaining healthy self-care practices, often leads to breakthrough moments and artistic growth. However, you may pushing so hard you are not taking care of your physical and mental wellbeing.
The crucial distinction lies in recognizing whether our persistence serves our growth and wellbeing or enables our own harm. This requires developing a nuanced understanding of our inner voice, learning to distinguish between productive discomfort and genuine danger, and sometimes seeking outside perspective to validate our experiences and choices.
Understanding this duality allows us to consciously choose when to embrace our childhood messaging and when to challenge it. It empowers us to retain the beneficial aspects of our early learning while developing new, healthier responses to situations where old patterns no longer serve us. This awareness becomes the first step in transforming our “Traitor Within” back into the friend it was meant to be, guided by wisdom rather than blind adherence to childhood programming.
To help illustrate I wanted to include examples of messages that can have different impacts depending on context and delivery:
"You need to be strong"
Positive: Encourages resilience and perseverance when coupled with emotional support
Negative: Can promote emotional suppression and inability to be vulnerable if used to dismiss feelings
"Family comes first"
Positive: Fosters loyalty, support networks, and caring relationships
Negative: Can enable toxic relationships or guilt about setting boundaries if taken to extreme
"Always do your best"
Positive: Promotes healthy work ethic and self-improvement when focused on personal growth
Negative: Can lead to perfectionism and burnout if tied to self-worth
"Be independent"
Positive: Builds self-reliance and confidence when balanced with support
Negative: Can create difficulty asking for help or maintaining relationships if taken as "never need anyone"
"You're special/different"
Positive: Builds self-esteem and acceptance of uniqueness when coupled with inclusion
Negative: Can create isolation or superiority complex if used to separate from others
"Put others first"
Positive: Develops empathy and generosity when balanced with self-care
Negative: Can lead to self-neglect and poor boundaries if taken as absolute
The impact often depends on:
- Whether the message allows for balance vs extremes
- If emotional support accompanies the teaching
- How consistently it's modeled by caregivers
- Whether it's presented as a rule vs a guideline
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