When Someone You Love Joins a Cult: Understanding Grief and Finding Hope
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
The phone calls stopped coming. Family gatherings became tense, then rare, then nonexistent. The person you once knew—your sibling, child, parent, or friend—seems to have vanished, replaced by someone who speaks in unfamiliar phrases and looks at you with suspicion or hostility. If someone you love has joined a cult, you're experiencing one of the most complex forms of grief imaginable: mourning someone who is still alive but no longer accessible to you.
Understanding Cults and Their Appeal
A cult is typically defined as a group with extreme beliefs or practices that uses manipulative techniques to control its members. These groups often revolve around a charismatic leader who claims special knowledge or divine connection. What distinguishes cults from other religious or philosophical groups is their use of coercive persuasion, isolation tactics, and the gradual erosion of members' critical thinking abilities.
People aren't drawn to cults because they're weak or foolish. In fact, cult recruitment often targets intelligent, idealistic individuals during vulnerable periods in their lives. Common factors that make someone susceptible include:
Life transitions: Moving to a new city, starting college, divorce, job loss, or the death of a loved one
Idealism: A genuine desire to make the world better or find deeper meaning
Loneliness: Seeking community and belonging
Spiritual searching: Looking for answers to life's big questions
Personal crisis: Depression, anxiety, or feeling lost
Cults exploit these natural human needs through love-bombing (overwhelming attention and affection), providing simple answers to complex problems, and creating a sense of being "chosen" or special.
The Insidious Process of Indoctrination
Indoctrination doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual process that skilled manipulators orchestrate with frightening precision:
Step 1: Love-bombing and Special Attention
New recruits are showered with attention, praise, and affection. They're made to feel understood and valued in ways they may never have experienced before.
Step 2: Gradual Isolation
Slowly, the group begins to drive wedges between the new member and their outside relationships. Family and friends are portrayed as negative influences, obstacles to spiritual growth, or even enemies.
Step 3: Information Control
Members are discouraged or forbidden from consuming outside media, reading certain books, or seeking information that contradicts the group's teachings.
Step 4: Sleep Deprivation and Overwhelm
Through constant activities, meetings, and responsibilities, members become exhausted and lose their ability to think critically.
Step 5: Financial and Social Dependence
Members often give money, property, or labor to the group while becoming increasingly dependent on it for housing, employment, and social connections.
Step 6: Thought Stopping
Through repetitive chanting, meditation, or other practices, members learn to shut down doubts or critical thoughts.
The Heartbreak of Watching Someone Change
For those on the outside, watching this transformation is devastating. The person you knew seems to disappear before your eyes, replaced by someone who:
Speaks in the group's jargon and catchphrases
Shows little interest in former hobbies, friends, or family traditions
Becomes defensive or angry when the group is questioned
Seems to have lost their sense of humor or individual personality
Views the world in stark black-and-white terms
May even become hostile toward former loved ones
This isn't the person choosing to reject you—it's the result of systematic psychological manipulation. Understanding this doesn't make it hurt less, but it can help you remember that the person you love is still in there, even when they seem unreachable.
The Unique Nature of Cult-Related Grief
Grieving someone who has joined a cult is unlike any other form of loss. It's a grief without closure, without community understanding, and without the rituals that normally help us process loss.
What Cult Grief Feels Like
The Phantom Limb of Relationships: Just as amputees feel sensation in missing limbs, you may find yourself reaching for your phone to call them about something funny, or saving up stories to share, only to remember they're no longer emotionally available. The muscle memory of your relationship remains even when the person is gone.
Emotional Whiplash: One day you're angry at their choices, the next you're heartbroken by their absence, then consumed with worry about their wellbeing. These feelings can cycle rapidly, leaving you emotionally exhausted and confused about how you're "supposed" to feel.
The Cruelest Hope: Unlike death, where finality eventually allows healing to begin, cult involvement dangles the possibility of return like a carrot just out of reach. Every birthday that passes without a call, every holiday they miss, every milestone they're absent from reopens the wound.
Living with a Ghost: They may still exist in your contacts, their bedroom might remain unchanged, their favorite coffee mug still sits in your cupboard. These physical reminders of their presence make their emotional absence even more stark.
How Cult Grief Differs from Death
Death has rituals; cult loss has silence: When someone dies, there are funerals, mourning periods, and social support systems. When someone joins a cult, there's no ceremony to mark the loss, no casseroles from neighbors, no bereavement leave from work. You're expected to function normally while your heart is breaking.
Death has finality; cult loss has endless uncertainty: Death, while painful, provides closure. With cult involvement, you're left wondering: Are they safe? Are they happy? Are they being hurt? Will they ever come back? The questions never stop, and neither does the pain.
Death brings sympathy; cult loss brings judgment: When someone dies, people offer condolences. When someone joins a cult, people often offer opinions: "How could you let this happen?" "Why don't you just talk to them?" "If they really loved you, they'd leave." This judgment adds shame to an already unbearable situation.
Death allows anger to eventually soften; cult loss involves ongoing rejection: With death, any unresolved conflicts eventually give way to love and forgiveness. With cult involvement, the person actively rejects you, often with cruel words and cold dismissal. Each interaction can inflict new wounds.
Understanding Their Anger and Isolation
When your loved one becomes hostile or cuts contact, it's crucial to understand that this isn't really them talking—it's the cult's programming. Cults systematically turn members against their families through several mechanisms:
The "Us vs. Them" Mentality: Cults create an artificial division between the "enlightened" group and the "unenlightened" world. Your loved one has been taught to see you as spiritually inferior, dangerous, or even evil.
Cognitive Dissonance: Deep down, they may miss you terribly but admitting this would contradict everything they've been taught. To resolve this internal conflict, they may increase their hostility as a way of convincing themselves they made the right choice.
Fear-Based Conditioning: They may genuinely believe that maintaining contact with you will harm their spiritual progress, endanger their salvation, or bring negative consequences to their life.
Loyalty Tests: The cult may use their willingness to cut off family as a test of commitment. Maintaining hostile behavior toward you becomes proof of their dedication to the group.
How Not to Take It Personally
This is perhaps the hardest part: the person you love is saying hurtful things and treating you like an enemy. Here are ways to protect your heart:
Remember Who's Really Talking: When they're cruel or dismissive, try to separate the words from the person. This isn't your child, sibling, or friend speaking—it's the cult's programming. The person you love is still in there, trapped and manipulated.
Understand Their Internal War: Their hostility often masks deep pain and confusion. They may be fighting against their love for you because that love threatens their new identity. The stronger their original bond with you, the more aggressive they may need to be to suppress it.
Recognize Defensive Behavior: Sometimes their anger is really fear—fear that you might be right, fear that they've made a mistake, fear of the consequences of leaving. Attacking you becomes a way of avoiding these terrifying thoughts.
Document Their True Self: Keep letters, photos, and videos that remind you of who they really are. When they're cruel to you, look at these reminders of the loving person they were before the manipulation began.
Coping Strategies for Families
While there's no simple solution to this heartbreak, there are ways to cope and maintain hope:
Educate Yourself
Learn about cult dynamics, thought control, and recovery processes. Understanding what your loved one is experiencing can help you respond more effectively and maintain compassion even in the face of hostility.
Seek Support
Connect with other families who have experienced cult involvement. Organizations like the International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA) offer resources and support groups. Consider therapy with someone who understands cult dynamics.
Maintain Open Doors
When possible, avoid ultimatums or burning bridges. Keep communication lines open, even if contact is minimal. Send birthday cards, leave voicemails expressing love, and let them know they're always welcome home.
Document the Person You Knew
Keep photos, videos, and mementos that remind you of who your loved one was before the cult. This can help you maintain hope and connection to their authentic self.
Accepting What You Cannot Control
One of the most important—and most difficult—lessons in this journey is accepting that you have no control over your loved one's choices. This powerlessness can be maddening, especially when you can see so clearly how they're being manipulated and harmed.
You Cannot Love Them Out of a Cult: No amount of pleading, reasoning, or demonstrating your love will override the systematic thought control they're experiencing. Accepting this doesn't mean giving up hope—it means channeling your energy more effectively.
Their Journey is Their Own: As heartbreaking as it is to watch someone you love make destructive choices, you must respect their autonomy as an adult human being. They have the right to make mistakes, even devastating ones.
Focus on Your Circle of Influence: While you can't control their choices, you can control your responses. You can choose to remain loving rather than bitter, hopeful rather than despairing, and healthy rather than consumed by grief.
Release the Outcome: This doesn't mean stopping your efforts or giving up hope. It means holding your love for them lightly, without attachment to a specific timeline or result. Some people leave cults quickly; others take decades; some never leave at all. Your love for them isn't dependent on their choices.
The Critical Importance of Self-Care
Grieving someone lost to a cult can consume your entire existence if you let it. Many family members develop what experts call "secondary trauma"—PTSD-like symptoms from watching someone they love be systematically destroyed. Self-care isn't selfish; it's essential for your survival and for your ability to be there if and when your loved one needs you.
Permission to Live Your Life: You may feel guilty for enjoying moments of happiness while your loved one suffers. But living a full, meaningful life isn't a betrayal—it's what they would want for you if they were thinking clearly. Your joy doesn't diminish your love for them.
Maintain Your Other Relationships: Don't let this grief poison your connections with other family members and friends. These relationships are your lifeline, and they matter independently of what's happening with your loved one in the cult.
Pursue Your Interests and Goals: Continue working toward your dreams, enjoying your hobbies, and building the life you want. Putting your entire existence on hold won't bring them back, but it will rob you of precious years you can never recover.
Set Boundaries Around Your Grief: Designate specific times for worrying or researching cult-related information. Don't let these activities bleed into every moment of your day. Create worry-free zones in your schedule where you focus on other aspects of your life.
Practice Radical Acceptance: Accept that this situation may last longer than you hope. Accept that recovery, if it comes, may be slow and imperfect. Accept that your relationship with this person may never be the same, even if they leave the cult. This acceptance isn't giving up—it's making peace with reality so you can respond from a place of clarity rather than desperation.
Monitor Your Mental Health: Watch for signs of depression, anxiety, or complicated grief. If you're having trouble sleeping, eating, or functioning at work, seek professional help. Taking care of your mental health helps everyone, including your loved one.
Create Meaning from Your Pain: Many families find that their experience, while unwanted, gives them a deeper understanding of love, resilience, and the preciousness of free thought. Some become advocates for cult awareness. Others simply become more appreciative of the relationships that remain healthy in their lives.
Be Patient
Recovery from cult involvement is possible, but it often takes years, not months. Many former cult members report that the love and patience of family members was crucial to their eventual departure.
Signs of Possible Departure
While you can't force someone to leave a cult, you can watch for signs that they might be becoming disillusioned:
Asking questions about outside life
Expressing doubts about leaders or teachings
Seeming tired or burned out
Showing interest in former hobbies or relationships
Requesting help with practical matters
If you notice these signs, respond with love and support rather than "I told you so" attitudes.
For Those Who Have Left
If your loved one does leave the cult, remember that recovery is a process. Former cult members often struggle with:
Guilt and shame about their involvement
Difficulty making decisions after years of having choices made for them
Social anxiety and trouble forming relationships
Depression and post-traumatic stress
Practical challenges like rebuilding careers or education
Professional counseling with someone experienced in cult recovery can be invaluable during this transition.
Finding Meaning in the Pain
While no one would choose this experience, many families find that it ultimately deepens their understanding of love, resilience, and the human capacity for both manipulation and healing. Some channel their pain into advocacy work, helping other families navigate similar situations.
Remember that love is not measured by our ability to control or "save" others, but by our willingness to remain present even when it's painful. Your love for this person matters, even when they can't receive it. That love may be the lighthouse that eventually guides them home.
Detailed Resources for Families: (I have not personally reached out to these resources but found them on a google search)
Professional Support Organizations
International Cultic Studies Association (ICSA)
Website: www.icsahome.com
Offers annual conferences, research publications, and referrals to cult-aware professionals
Publishes the International Journal of Cultic Studies
Provides educational materials for families and professionals
Annual membership includes access to support networks and specialized resources
Cult Education Institute
Website: www.culteducation.com
Extensive database of information about specific groups
News updates about cult-related legal cases and developments
Resource library with thousands of articles and testimonials
Forum for families to connect and share experiences
Open Minds Foundation
Website: www.openmindsfoundation.org
Offers family support services and educational workshops
Provides training for mental health professionals
Maintains a directory of cult-aware therapists
Hosts webinars and support group meetings
Freedom of Mind Resource Center
Website: www.freedomofmind.com
Founded by former Moonie Steven Hassan
Offers strategic interaction approach (SIA) training for families
Provides consultation services and intervention planning
Maintains extensive resource library and blog
Therapy and Counseling Resources
Finding Cult-Aware Therapists:
Ask organizations above for referrals in your area
Look for therapists with experience in trauma, thought reform, or undue influence
Consider online therapy options if local resources are limited
Interview potential therapists about their understanding of cult dynamics
Types of Helpful Therapy:
Trauma-focused therapy: For dealing with the emotional impact of losing your loved one
Family therapy: For healing relationships and preparing for possible reunion
Support groups: Both online and in-person options for connecting with other affected families
Grief counseling: Specifically addressing the unique nature of ambiguous loss
Online Support Communities ( I found these by google and never communicated on them. Proceeded with caution.)
Reddit Communities:
r/cults: General discussion about cult experiences
r/exmormon, r/exjw, r/scientology: Specific religious group recovery communities
r/QAnonCasualties: For families affected by conspiracy-based cult thinking
Facebook Groups:
Families Against Cult Teachings and Abuse (FACTSA)
Cult Survivor Support Groups
Various groups specific to particular cult organizations
Online Forums:
Cult Education Institute Forum
Recovery from Religious Trauma
Ex-cult support forums hosted by various organizations
Educational Resources:
Essential Books:
"Combating Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan
"Take Back Your Life" by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias
"The Cult of Trump" by Steven Hassan (about political cult behavior)
"Recovering Agency" by Luna Lindsey
"Escaping Utopia" by Janja Lalich
Documentaries and Films:
"Holy Hell" (about Buddhafield)
"Going Clear" (about Scientology)
"The Vow" (about NXIVM)
"Wild Wild Country" (about Rajneeshpuram)
Podcasts:
"A Little Bit Culty" hosted by Sarah Edmondson and Anthony Nippy
"Cult Podcast" by various hosts
"Escaping NXIVM" by Sarah Edmondson
Emergency Resources
If You're in Crisis:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
If Your Loved One is in Immediate Danger:
Contact local law enforcement
Adult Protective Services (if the person is elderly or disabled)
FBI (for crimes involving interstate activity or federal violations)
Financial and Legal Resources
Legal Considerations:
Consult with attorneys experienced in cult-related cases
Understand conservatorship/guardianship options (limited circumstances only)
Document financial exploitation if occurring
Preserve evidence of fraud or abuse
Financial Protection:
Alert banks and financial institutions about potential exploitation
Consider freezing joint accounts if necessary
Consult with financial advisors about protecting family assets
Document any unusual financial transactions
Creating Your Own Support Network
Building a Care Team:
Identify 3-5 trusted friends or family members who can provide support
Educate them about cult dynamics so they can offer informed support
Assign different people different roles (emotional support, practical help, research partner)
Schedule regular check-ins with your support team
Self-Care Resources:
Meditation apps: Headspace, Calm, Insight Timer
Exercise programs: Local gyms, yoga classes, walking groups
Creative outlets: Art classes, writing groups, music lessons
Spiritual communities: Choose carefully, ensuring they respect your situation
Volunteer opportunities: Many find meaning in helping others
Preparing for Possible Reconnection
If Your Loved One Reaches Out:
Have a crisis counselor or cult-aware therapist on standby
Prepare practical resources (housing, financial support, legal help)
Research exit counseling services in your area
Create a safety plan in case they need to leave quickly
Long-term Recovery Support:
Understand that recovery is a process, not an event
Be prepared for setbacks and regression
Learn about post-cult trauma and recovery challenges
Connect with other families who have experienced reunion
Remember: seeking help is not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign of strength and wisdom. You cannot navigate this journey alone, nor should you try to. Professional support, peer connections, and educational resources can provide the tools and community you need to not just survive this experience, but to emerge from it with greater wisdom, resilience, and appreciation for the preciousness of free thought and authentic relationships.
You are not alone in this journey, and your loved one is worth fighting for—even when the fight feels impossible. Hold onto hope, take care of yourself, and remember that many people do eventually find their way out of cults and back to the relationships that truly matter.
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